Child In An 18 Year Old's Body

I was talking to a friend on AIM today. She told me that she and her boyfriend broke up today. Of course, I asked her why. Her answer was that they both couldn't take the fights anymore. But I have to say that the fight was a pretty reasonable fight. Not like those stupid fights couples get into then don't know why they fought by the end of the argument. I wouldn't say that the reason was "cheating," but I guess there were suspicions of cheating in the near future. I asked her, "Are the fights more important than the love?" She clearly said no. I thought that would have been the end of it and that she would have tried to get him back. But it wasn't. She told me that she did try to contact him. But he deleted her from myspace, changed his number, and broke off any communication to her. Sounds immature to me. I guess the reason for doing this was to "help her let go." Sure, hurting her will help her let go, but it there are other ways than to hurt, especially to do this to her. It makes me angry that he's 18 and he does this like he's still a child. I personally think that he should control his temptations because if he claims he's happy with her, then why would you need anyone else? She still loves him, and apparently, he still loves her. If that's true, why would you hurt yourself and the one that you love so you can both let go. What is there to let go? Fights are normal and when couples get through them, it shows a strength in the relationship. Giving up a relationship for a fight, to me, wasn't a worthwhile relationship to begin with.

First Day Of School

Today was a pretty okay day. Nothing special, but nothing TOTALLY bad. In the morning, they didn't have my schedule in the class I was told to pick it up in, so I was sent to the old gym because, I guess, a lot of people didn't have their schedules. James Logan is so unorganized. There was too much hassle dealing with schedules today and the hassle will probably continue for weeks to come. So after I went to the old gym, they told me to go to the counseling center. That makes sense. I waited more than half of first period waiting to be called to get my schedule. When I finally get into the room, my schedule was in the computer system, yet I didn't get a printed one. So I got my schedule and went to my first period class like it told me. I walked passed the door to go up the ramp but as I looked inside I see Annalisa! I go back to the door to see her and I wave. I was excited cause we had a class together! But we don't have lunch like last year. That sucked. So I go inside and the place was full. I had nowhere to sit. So I sat next to Anna on the floor. I have no shame in sitting on the floor. Then one of the students in the class comes to me and asks me what my name is. I told him. Then he handed me this paper... and it was my schedule. I now had two of the same schedules. So I wasted my time in the office because some other kid had my schedule the whole time. What the hell...? Oh! And they put me in AP CALCULUS!! I got a D in Precal last year and they put me in an advanced placement calculus class? Woah. But it's okay. I'm gonna try to get through the year. I'll just take it as a challenge. Hopefully I can take it.

So overall my day was pretty good. No problems after that. Except it was burning hot all day. The freshmen are so small! I thought it was funny. They get smaller every year! I finally feel taller than people. Haha! So I guess it was a pretty okay first day of school. Yay. 10 more months.

Schedule:
Period 0: American Literature with Campbell
Period 1: US History with Dolgin
Period 2: AP Calculus with Prucha
Period 3: Show Choir with McShane
Period 4: Psychology 1 with Mccullough
Period 5: Lunch
Period 6: Filipino Heritage with Santos
Period 7: Honors Spanish 3 with Kinkella

I guess I'm pretty content with my schedule. Let's hope I make it through junior year.

School Starts Tomorrow!

School starts tomorrow!! How exciting! I'm a bit scared at the same time. I hope they let me switch my math class. I don't really want to take calculus this year. I don't think I'm ready. I got a D on in Precal last year and I don't want to move on if I don't really understand the material. I want good grades and a better GPA. I had the worst GPA I have ever gotten sophomore year. I don't want that to happen again. My grades were too low, even for my standards. I regret slacking off sophomore year, but thank goodness I passed all my classes to I'm am not really behind in any classes. Even though I want to repeat Precal, I still don't feel like I'll be behind. This year I have to make a personal goal of staying on top of my work. No slacking off. I want to be able to say that junior year was no problem for me. I want to be able to go to a good college and know that I worked hard to get there.

So hopefully, this year would be a better year than sophomore year.
We'll see.

Oh Darn

Aw. I was gonna get my tongue pierced today but they said I needed a parent or guardian. X(.

I hope we can find a place that let's 18 year olds sign for you. I'm scared to get one... but I want one really bad. Hehe.

But if that doesn't happen... I guess I'm gonna have to wait until I'm 18. Boo. =P

I Will Always Love You. Please Don't Forget It.

So I read a friends blog today that made me think about you. I don't quite know how to start this but I guess I'll just start.

Sophomore year was not the best year for me. Many people know that. And you should too, but I don't know if you do. That's the problem. We've drifted so much sophomore year that I don't know how long it's gonna take to completely catch up with you. I hope you would want to catch up with me too. Well if we do end up catching up, at least we'll have something to talk about every time we talk to each other. And that's one of the things I love the most about our friendship. We can be so open and so random that we will never run out of things to say to each other or just to talk about in general.

I guess what was done sophomore year hurt me so much that I lost trust in you. I felt so betrayed. You were my best friend, and hopefully still are. But I trusted you with my deepest secret and you let me down. I thought I stressed enough how much I wanted it to be a secret but I guess it wasn't enough. And you told my secret to the last person I would want to know. You told her and lied to me about it afterwards. I was hoping that maybe there was a chance that she would regret her decision, but now she probably knows that she made the right choice. And no I'm not blaming you. I just want you to know how I felt when all of this happened. And how you lied time after time when I would ask you if you did what I thought you did. That made everything so much worse because you got caught up in a web of lies that kept growing and growing.

I don't even remember how we stopped communicating with each other. I know I seemed happy on the outside during the time, but truth is, I was so depressed. There were so many problems I was facing and I didn't know how to deal with them all at once. It made me regret a lot of my choices. It made me regret telling you, it made me regret trying out for choir, it made me regret a whole portion of my freshman year in high school. Thankfully, I sooner learned to stop regretting because the past is in the past. And I write this not to make you feel bad, but to let you know how hurt I was. I'll admit that I was so bitter that I started to talk badly behind your back. And I regret doing that as well because I became what I hated, a bad friend.

There was a day that you didn't know about where I stayed after school to go to a friend's birthday party. I was talking about you to my other friend while walking in the hallway. I broke down. As I sat down on the carpeted hallway against the lockers, my tears poured out and wouldn't stop. Later that day, someone asked my why I looked like I just cried. I answered with "There's too much wind and it's irritating my eyes." I didn't know what else to say. I guess I just wasn't ready to forgive you.

This summer I talked to you maybe twice. I hung out with you once. I'm glad we're talking again, but I feel like it's my fault that we drifted this far apart. I should have made more of an effort. I'm so sorry for talking behind your back. I'm sorry for not always being there. I'm sorry for missing your sweet sixteen. I hope you can forgive me.

I still consider you as my best friend. And right now, I'm listening to our old recordings of us singing together. Remember the song we wrote and the covers we did? I'm trying to hold back my tears right now, but I miss it so much. (Woops there goes a tear). I miss you.

"I wish our love stayed the same." - Fool. (Remember when we wrote it? It took us forever.)

Est. February 10, 2006. I love you and I always will.

Definition of Fairy Tale VS. Reality

Let's start with reality.
Reality. There are no happy endings. Life doesn't stop when you've reached contentment or satisfaction, not like the fairy tales. The fairy tales with its unrealistic characters and impossible plots, impossible in the real world anyway. Fairy tales that start with hardship but gets better as the story goes on. Songs are sang in the middle of a sentence and end followed by a continuation of the same sentence.

Fairy Tale. Villains, witches, monsters, talking animals, magical powers, fairygod mothers, fairies, dragons, munchkins, and flying monkies. Fairy tale.
Reality. Personal, political, social, financial and economical problems. Conflict, fights, violence, war, poverty. Stupidness, muteness, deafness and blindness. Blindness of the real world to the problems it faces from day to day. The lack of acknowledgment the world around them goes through. Is it blindness or unwillingness? Reality.

Fairy tale. Heroes. Heroes that are powerful enough to save the world by themselves. Heroes who are able to change the world without the assistance of another. Fairy tale, reality.
Reality. One person cannot change the world by themselves. The most a person can do is voice out to everyone else, voice out to anyone and everyone who is wiling to listen. And those willing to listen, to spread the new heard perspective. Reality.

Fairy tale. A prince fights for his damsel in distress. Fairy tale.
Reality. Innocent people murdered by others, whose lives have very little difference and NO difference in value, by putting families in distress. Reality.

People need to realize that real life is covered by real lies. Lies that leave us blind to find the truth behind more and more lies.

Fairy tale. Songs sang out of the blue, ending in a happily ever after. Fairy tale.
Reality. The DREAM of songs out of the blue and happily ever afters. Reality.

Who says that things in a fairy tale can't happen in reality?
With a world like this, everybody.

One day, maybe anything can happen. We all can't live in the fairy tale world.
So let's end with Reality.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Why do people think that "nice guys finish last"? Some guys are so convinced that they have nobody because they're "nice guys." There are plenty of guys who have somebody. And I'm pretty sure a majority of them are nice. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe the reason that a "nice guy" doesn't have a partner is because they are too caught up in believing that no one wants them. I'm sure it's not very attractive if you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself. I'm pretty sure that people don't label a specific person as a nice guy. I think they label themselves that because they are convinced that that's what they are.

To a "nice guy": Most likely, you think you "finish last" because the person that you like, or the people you've liked in the past, didn't like you back. But that doesn't mean that someone else doesn't like you. You're probably sad because you only want the one you can't have, while there's plenty to choose from.

So I think that the phrase "nice guys always finish last" is totally false. Boys/Girls, take a look at your girlfriend/boyfriend. Are they not nice? "Nice guys" don't always finish last. It's the guys who have no self confidence and are too blind to see that he is a great person with a great personality.

So again to the guys who think they are "nice guys": First of all, cheer up a bit because I'm sure there is someone who has noticed you and has taken to your liking. Second, just try to have a little more self confidence in yourself. I'm sure if you're nice, it's not going to turn off people. It will make them happy and make them appreciate you. Be yourself and it will pay off.

Nice guys don't always finish last.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I don't like how a lot of students my age think they know what love is. One second they're "in love" with someone and the next second, they're bitter about the breakup and start talking smack about the person they claim they once "loved." I'm not saying that nobody knows what love is because, truth is, a lot of teens do fall in love and it turns out to be true. I also get a bit annoyed by the people who use the term "I love you" way too early. Personally, I can't do that. I don't like how people throw that phrase around when they don't really feel that way. Wouldn't it suck if someone said that to you, made you believe it, when really they don't feel that way? Isn't it a form of lying? I guess I just want the people of my generation to be true to themselves and everyone else around them. To me, actions speak louder than words. So if you really do love someone... don't tell them... show them, and prove it.

It's In The Past.

I'm sorry that you only feel it now. But it's not my fault. I wasn't trying to ruin your life or any of your relationships. I was just being me. Maybe I did get a little carried away, but that was just me getting caught up in everything that was happening. I'm really not that kind of person. You had your chance. I gave you open opportunities for ten months but you decided not to take them. And that's okay with me. But you can't come crawling back a year later telling me that you made a mistake because I gave you too many chances than what you deserved. I'm not saying you're a bad person, I'm just saying that it's not fair that I had to suffer over your actions for nothing. I suffered a whole school year, and now that I finally got over it, it isn't acceptable for you to keep trying to get me back on the leash you had me on. And I know you're still trying to catch me. Yes, I'm a dog on the loose without a leash. I'm a stray.

Let's just get through high school without anymore problems, unlike sophomore year.

You're one of my good friends and I love you. But not the way you think I do.

Short Burst

NM isn't closing!!!!!! woooooooh!!! I'm happy. teeheehee.

Oranges!!

I like oranges. They are so good. And they're healthy too. Yup. That sweet tasty and sometimes sour flavor. Mmmm. Yummy in my tummy. I like the color of an orange too... it's orange. When I eat it, it makes me want more. It's like a drug. People should stop doing drugs and make oranges their vice. Just like in Juno where Bleeker has a vice for orange tictacs. See.... Orange. Yeah to all you druggies out there... switch vices. Just eat a bunch of oranges until you feel high or something. Stop killing yourself... and the earth. That's what I like about oranges.

What I DON'T like about oranges is having to peel them. I also don't like the seeds because it gets in the way of the orangy goodness. And that it can get messy. I don't like getting sticky... but I'll get sticky for an orange!! =P


*Topic picked by MamaMia.

NM

I really don't like how NM is going to shut down in a month. It's not fair. That was the place where I could publicly put my thoughts (instead of here of course). But still, it was a place that not many people knew about and that's what I liked about it. My friends who use NM don't like it either. I guess I'm going to be here more often since this is maybe one of the only place I feel comfortable talking about whatever I want to talk about. Well, I have dance practice in a little bit. I should be getting ready. That's it for now.

Motivation

I'm a little scared of going back to school. Because I know that I would try to accomplish my goals, but I'm unsure of what my motivation is... or if I have anything to keep me motivated at all. I want to say that I don't need anybody else to keep me motivated but the truth is, I'm not sure. Two more years then it's off to the real world. I wonder what that's going to be like. Yes, freedom, but at the same time, responsibility. Maybe I just need to realize that I don't have to go looking around for someone to call my own because it's in God's hands. I guess I just like the feeling of having someone because, unlike others who feel insecure with their partner, I can throw away the insecurities about myself that tell me that I'm not good enough. If you know me, then I probably wouldn't come off as an insecure person, but deep down, I do have my insecurities.

So should my insecurities get in the way of finding motivation?

My friends DO keep me motivated but I should motivate myself more than they motivate me. I mean, THEY believe in me, so I have no excuse not to believe in myself.

*"Don't listen to what some stupid stranger says. You're perfect." This was said by one of my closest friends and it made me burst into tears. It made me realize that, not only did I make the right decision in befriending her and letting her into my life, she has faith in me so I should have faith in myself.

Do I even need to find motivation or should I just be motivated by the feeling of accomplishment?

That last one sounds good to me.


*Patnah Maria. I love her to death. You're my inspiration. Thank you.

Cranky

I really don't know why but I need to go blow off some steam. I need a vice that's legal and won't hurt me in any way. Things are just ticking me off and I have to stop. I need to take a breather before I explode. I think I'll just go to sleep. I might just be cranky. Goodnight world.

Goals

I've realized that I slack off a lot, especially in school because I don't have enough goals. And I'm always stressed because I HAVE NO goals, which means I seldom get the feeling of relief of achieving something. Maybe I'll be less stressed if I work more to pursue what I want to pursue. So maybe I should make some goals... Maybe just some short term ones for now. =)

-Get a least a B- in all classes every quarter.
-Don't get distracted by unnecessary matters.
-Homework : First thing when coming home from school.
-Study for tests/quizzes.
-Learn how to prioritize the right way.
-Write at least 3 songs.
-Stay strong.

Maybe I'll add more later. =)

Haiku : Reminiscent

As I look around,

I can see what could have been,

But now it's too late.

Almost There

Thank gosh Sophmore year is over. That gets me that much closer to graduating High School and achieving my dream. Although sophmore year wasn't the best, I have no regrets because the events that happened during that time (good or bad) made me who I am today. I can't spend the majority of my time feeling sorry for myself because that's not going to get me anywhere. I'd rather think about achieving what I want in my life rather then doing nothing. My life is complicated. But I just want a mostly simple life with a side of complication. =)