Random? - #2

I have another Calculus quiz tomorrow.

I'm really nervous.

I have to study, study, study.

I need to learn how to get out of my shell more.

I thought I was already outgoing.

I guess I still get shy sometimes.

I'm watching Nightmare Before Christmas.

This is gonna be a random blog.

I like meeting new people.

I need a date for junior prom at least.

Do you want to be my date?

It could be your birthday present for me.

I would be so happy if I had a date for prom.

Let's make the night memorable. ;)

I Missed Homecoming

Today I was a busy day. (I missed homecoming dance today).

We had SLW family time (rehearsal). That was fun. We learned all the choreography today. It was very tiring. Toward the beginning of the day, people were getting frustrated very easily because we couldn't get a simple formation. I guess we all learned something today. No one's perfect and us returning people have to take it easy on the "freshies" in choir. I mean, that's how I was last year. I had no clue what I was doing a lot of the time. The vibe got better during the end, well, for me personally. I have to admit I was getting irritated because we couldn't get our formation. I guess we all need a little patience. I had fun during the end. The mood lightened and I think people started to feel better. When rehearsal was over, I went to Therese's house.

We had to get ready for our OK!DK performance at Paddy's. We did pretty good, considering we had to dance on grass. We didn't know that would be the case. We were kinda scared at first because we didn't want the grass to mess up our turns or any move that the grass would get in the way. We did pretty alright if I do say so myself. I wonder where our next performance is.

Then I went to Mia's house. Then Keli arrived. I think Mia's Xbox 360 is broke. Wah wah wah. That sucks. We couldn't watch the dvd on there. We tried to fix it but I guess it didn't work. So we ate beefsteak and rice, then later on we ate pizza. I ate a lot for dinner today. Then we were watching Saw IV. Then maybe about 5 minutes into the movie, Kim called. She came over and we all watched it. Keli had to leave maybe 15 minutes before the movie was over because her mother came to pick her up, but that's okay because she's already seen the movie. The movie was really good. I liked it. Jigsaw is a really wise character. The movie was very visual though. Some images were really disturbing. But I liked it overall. Then Kim brought me home. And that is my summary of my very busy Saturday.

Please, Just Stop.

Eff this.
I can't take these lies anymore. I'm so stupid for going back to you. You told me that you wanted to spent time with me. You stressed so much how you would put my happiness before yours. Bull. I'm not happy at all. I'm angry. I'm angry because how could you say that you want to spend time with me and call it a "date" then when you talk about it to other people it's "we just hung out because I needed to make it up to him." If you feel sorry for me because YOU flaked on me, just save it because I don't want to hear your crap anymore. To me, you looked so two faced at the moment because you tell me one thing and others another. I thought you were suppose to be one of my good friends. If that's true, then why are you the one that's causing me all my pain? Why couldn't we just have a normal friendship? Are we not mature enough for that? If you have no interest in me in that way then why do you flirt with me constantly? I hate it because you know that I'm not completely over you. But you play with my emotions like you have the right to. I deserve better than that. When I met you, I thought you were the sweetest thing in the world and I loved how we had so much in common. Now, you're this cocky person that thinks he's changing for the better, but really going the other way, at least in my eyes.

I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm going to talk to you, no matter if you want to talk to me or not. It's not about you. It's about my closure. And hopefully, we can be mature and still be friends after this discussion, but if you can't handle it... our friendships gonna have to end. If you're going to keep leading me on with no intention of liking me back, I can't handle talking to you anymore if all it's going to be is flirting. I guess we'll find out when I talk to you. I am so hurt right now that I lash out at people. I'm not that person. You made me like this and I don't like what I've become. So if it means the end of this friendship then so be it.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Today, I went to the movies.
I don't know it would be called a "date" but it's whatever.

I guess there were some little awkward moments, but we're both the type of people who don't like that and so try to fill it in.
It was a pretty good day.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is a really cute movie. I loved it.

Went to Jollibee before to get some food then Starbucks after to get some strawberry waters.
Yup, we're cheap. =)

I'm still not sure what we are, but I'm sure that we're really really good friends. I'm glad.
I got dropped off then we hugged. It was a really tight and warming hug. It made me feel wanted for once.

The sweetest thing at the end of this "event" or "date," whatever you want to call it.
Hope there's more day's like this to come. =)

Emotions Of A Robot

Today was a bad day.

I wasn't off it today in practice. I was getting irritated.

Maria called me during lunch. I love her to death.

We got the choreography done. It was hot in the theater.

I was looking forward for a specific something to make me feel better after practice.

I got flaked on. But that's okay. I guess the reason was good.

I was still looking forward to it though.

Misunderstandings and questionings. I know what I want. Do you?

I'm still a little confused, but hey, I guess a little mystery is okay.

I'm not in the perky happy mood, but I'm not a total b**** right now.

I guess I'm just blank, showing no emotion.

At the moment, I'm a robot.

Psychology Thinkwrite

I think it's cool how my psychology teacher wants us to find love. X)

I almost cried in psychology yesterday.
The lesson we were learning was about how adolescents need freedom and independence but parents restrict us. One of the points was about physical appearance. He told us to raise our hands if the statement applied to us so I raised my hand when he asked if anyone's parents had a problem with their appearance. My parents don't like the way I look. They think I get made fun of. I really don't. So when it was time to write a thinkwrite about one of the points we talked about, of course I wrote about my parents and how they had a problem with my appearance. The whole class was quiet because we had to write for the rest of the period. So my teacher comes up to me and asks me which one I was writing about. I simply told him that I was writing about my parents' problems with my appearance. My teacher asked me what they had a problem with. I told him that they had a problem with how I dress, how I do my hair, my piercing(s) - I don't know if a gauge is called a piercing- and how they want me to be "normal." He asked me if my parents knew if I was bisexual (I wrote a paper in that class and the topic was "My Ideal Guy/Girl." So I wrote about both X)). I said no they did not know. He asked me if they suspected if I was and I said "maybe." He pointed out how maybe they ARE suspecting and they're finding other things to change about me. I agreed.

The thing that made my heart sink was when he asked "Do you think you can talk to them about yourself?"
My memory took me back to when my mom, while watching the legalizing of gay marriage in SF, clearly said, "Masama yan. Hindi dapat ganyan. (That's bad. It shouldn't be like that)."
That was the point where I knew I could never tell my parents about me.
So when my teacher asked me that, I couldn't speak and shook my head while my eyes locked onto my paper, trying to keep my tears in.
He asked if I talk to friends about it and I nodded a yes, my tears not rolling down, but still present.

Class was about to end and I didn't want to look like I just cried while walking down the hallways, so I tried to hold back the tears and avoid eye contact with people around me who may have heard our conversation. It doesn't matter that they know, it just matters that I almost cried in class. I never would have thought that it would have affected me that much, but I guess it does. Being accepted or not doesn't scare me, but when it comes to my parents, it mattered more that I would have imagined before. I realized that what my parents think about me, does affect me even though I know I won't change for them. I won't change for anyone but myself, but it's hard when the people you love don't accept you for who you are.

I didn't realized how much emotion I had locked inside of me until yesterday in my fourth period psychology class. Although most of the time, I hide them inside, they're still there.

Ouch.

Sadness

Sadness is a bad thing. Sadness can bring tears to someone's face because of pain. People hurt emotionally and sometimes they hurt themselves physically. Maybe they're sad because they get abused. Friends can get hurt by another's sadness as well. Depending on how bad the situation, a friend could feel what the other is feeling directly and make them go into a sad state. Sometimes being sad is contagious. If someone gets a sad vibe, sometimes they feed off of it. Friends could also be hurt by sadness of another because maybe they get pushed away. When a friend is in need and another friend tries to comfort them, a lot of the time, people push they're good friend away, either because they REALLY want to be alone, or they want more attention. Either way, it hurts.

There IS a positive in sadness though. Being sad about something just means that there was something that made you happy before. Sadness doesn't come without happiness. Because you are feeling sad means that before you were sad, you felt happy. Yin and yang. You can't have the moon without the sun, no night without day, no dark without light. For example, how would we ever know what to call day if there was never night? Even though sadness is usually negative, try to be the most positive about it. Chances are, there'll be something that will make you happy soon. (I sound like a fortune cookie. LOL XP).

Random? - #1

Today I had to get out of the shower early because the neighbors were using all the water. Thankfully, I was done washing up. I just like standing there in the hot water. Anyway, the water pressure seriously decreased a lot. I mean, how much water do you need?! I didn't even get to condition my hair. LOL.

Anywho... So for sure I will be able to go to Anaheim this year. I'm just worried about New York next year. I just hope that I can get a job so I can pay for it. I just want it long enough to pay for it. If I get fired, too bad, at least I have the money I need.

It pretty late for me right now. Usually I would be TRYING to go to sleep but my father is fixing clothes and all his clothes are everywhere (I sleep on the couch because I wanna watch TV- I want the TV back in the room). No, it's my little sister's clothes... my mistake. Still, they're on my sleeping space. (IT'S 11:11- just thought I'd mention).

I need a topic to write about. I'll get back here when I think of one. Maybe I'll do it later.

October 7 - My Day

So I'm taking a break from homework, even though I have little to do. I need to study for calculus because I have a quiz on it tomorrow. Then we have a chapter test on Friday. Yay... Fun... I think we're doing limits. I think it's easier than chapter one though. At least I'm keeping up more than I am with the last chapter. I don't totally get it all but I know SOME of it. That should count for something.

I'm breaking out. I guess school is stressing me. I need to find a way to relieve my stress. I try just breathing but to me, it's temporary. That one time Dani May gave me a massage, I had a lot of knots in my back. I didn't even know they were there. It kinda hurt when she was doing it but it felt good... HAHA. I wonder if she got all of them out. I should try meditating or something. XP.

Today in psychology, we talked about romantic love and how it has three stages. Stage One: Infatuation, Stage Two: Conflicts (or something), Stage Three: Acceptance (I think). It was pretty interesting because as the teacher was going over what was involved in each stage, I was thinking about... stuff. Ahah. I found out that I got to at least, stage two. It was pretty crazy. I didn't think that I would have gone that far, but turns out I did. Interesting.

After school, I had to walk ALL THE WAY to Mia's car because she had choir practice and she's too lazy to walk to her car after practice. T_T. Just kidding, she's cool XP. So then I had to walk to her car and bring it to the back of the school so it's closer when she done with practice. Then after her practice, we went to Starbucks, I got a javachip, they got strawberry waters, then we went to drop off a friend. We went to Mia's house and recorded stuff that we're gonna put on youtube. We were just bored so we acted stupid in the video. But now I'm home and my computer is not cooperating with my camera so I guess those videos have to wait.

And now I'm here and that was my day. =)

Give Me Proof.

My friends are some of the most important people in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. Yes, I have made bad decisions as to who I befriend. I've made those mistakes that I feel stupid for making after I'm proving wrong. For example, one of my real good friends warned me about befriending someone else and telling this person my secrets. I didn't listen to him and, instead, defending the person, giving this person the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong and everything backfired and I felt so blind that I did not see what my real friend was trying to tell me. It sucks to know that there's people out there who can gain your trust and then screw you over that quickly. Now, it is harder for me to trust people fast because I don't know who they truly are yet. There are exceptions to a lot of my real good friends that I still have today. A lot of them, I trusted very quickly because I knew we would hit it off right away. I guess that's what made me so trusting. Yeah it sucks that people tell other people's secrets. But it feels good to know that a lot of your friends would never do that to you. For me, it gives me the security that I need. Friends come and go, family will never let you down. I can honestly say that many of my good friends are like family to me. And no matter how far apart we are from each other, we can maintain that strong bond that we have with each other. I can tell them anything and I know that they won't judge because they know that if they told me something about their life, I wouldn't judge them either. The world is full of judgment. I'm glad that my group of friends are one of the few who don't put people down because they're different. Let's face it, different is the new normal these days. Normal doesn't even exist anymore. I love my friends and I would never want any of them to drift away from me. Hopefully there are more people out there just like them, I would like to meet some. I need proof that not everyone judges. =)

Truths Overlooked.

I hate how a lot of the rich white people (no offense but let's be real and say that most of the people who are rich are white) think that they're better than everyone else just because they have money. White Supremacy. I learned that in FHS. I hate how the side of the elderly is automatically believed over the side of the teenagers. Sure, elderly people have been on this earth longer and might have more knowledge, but that doesn't mean that they don't lie or assume. The truth of a teenager is overlooked over the lies of an 80 year old white woman. We could take this to court because we personally know the truth, but I guess we'll decide to let it go because it's not the end of the world. Life isn't fair, but who makes it unfair? The people with power who think they can do whatever they want without a consequence because they have that power.

I think it's a big personal issue for my own conscience. I hate to let something so unfair go.
But I hope karma bites her in the butt. She deserves it.