A Year of Pain.

I can't believe you're making me regret writing that last blog. I thought we would be able to talk about it after I took the role of actually breaking the ice between us. I ask you if you have something against me because you seem like you don't ever want to talk to me. "You only text me when you're bored." Crap! I texted you this morning saying "good morning" and I never got a text back. And please stop trying to pull the "Oh you did?" crap because I know you got it. You just refuse to reply. That's fine with me, but if you still have a problem, TALK TO ME! You're my best friend! How can you just avoid everything? You hurt me so much and you keep on doing it. I've put up with you for so long and you're gonna just waste what we had?! You're such a complicated person! Please don't tell me any more "I miss you... I haven't liked anyone like that since you...I love you..." crap if you don't mean it. I'm so tired of all the lies that I force myself to believe just so we can keep a good relationship. I'm tired of having to be the one to come up to you to fix everything. Especially this time, it was not even my fault and, yet I was still the one to come up to you because I love you too much to waste our friendship on one incident. But apparently, you don't feel the same way... Fine.

Thank You.

I'm glad that I talked to you today. Even though it would have been nice if you had tried to instead of me, I just couldn't take seeing you and not talking to you. I tried to say as much as I can in the little time that I had, but I couldn't say everything. Even though I said a brief summary of what I wanted to say, I would still like to talk to you. Even though it's not the best topic, I'm glad that we're speaking to each other again. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, good or bad, I still love talking to you. And I'm glad that we're not gonna spend another Christmas fighting with you. It's weird how we always fight during holiday season. But if anything like that ever happens again, no more ignoring the situation, okay? I don't ever want this to happen again because it was unnecessary. I almost lost my best friend. I don't ever want that to happen to us. I love you too much...

Lost

It's not fair. You don't get to do that to me. You know that I had feelings for you and you took advantage of it. You don't even know how hurt I am. You tell me that you appreciate me, but you never show me. Monday night, I tried to talk to you about it. I was crying on the phone!... And you told me to "just forget about it." You can't tell someone to forget something that big. It meant so much to me and when I asked you what it meant to you... you said, "I don't know. Just forget about it, Mix..." Forget about it?! It's not fair that I have to forget about something that YOU did. The truth is, I can't forget about it. I tried calling you back after you hung up on me that night. You didn't pick up or call back. Thanks... that really shows me how much you appreciate me. It's been five days and counting that you've been avoiding the problem. No, I don't want to talk to you at school until you gather up the balls to talk to me about what happened. We both let it happen and it's not fair that I'm the only one that tried to fix it. I cried my eyes out that night... but just that night. I've been holding them in until now. Everything is just pouring out. I've been bottling it up so much that now, all my tears are running down my face. And even though you can't see me, you should know that you've hurt me so much. I don't want to look at you, but I want to see you. I don't want to have these feelings, but I do. I don't want to miss you, but I do. I don't want to love you, but I do...

I want to believe that you would be the one losing something good... but I honestly feel like I've lost something that I loved.

Post On NM Later:

"Wow..."

Tag(s): fourteen.

Really, I'm Okay.

I am so tired of everything.

I'm tired of school.

I'm tired of people.

I'm tired of drama.

I'm tired of homework.

I'm tired of stress.

I'm tired of family.

I'm tired of bottling up.

I'm tired of fronting.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up.

I'm tired of being let down.

I'm tired of being put down.


There's so many things going on that I don't pay attention to. I don't want to think about them but I know they're somewhere in the back of my mind. I try to breathe out my stress, but sometimes it's just not enough. My back hurts so much. I know there are a million knots there because of my stress. I feel like everything is pushing down on me, mentally and physically. My thoughts aren't happy, my body isn't healthy. I feel like I could faint at any moment. It's so overwhelming, but I don't want to burden anybody else with my own stress so I put up a front and say I'm okay. Usually, I keep telling myself that I AM okay until I believe it, so that, technically, I wouldn't be lying when I tell people nothing is wrong.

Ugh.
Well, even though I'm tired of everything... Life is life and I have to do what I have to do and try to deal with it.
I'm just not quite sure how.

I'm tired of fronting.

Random? - #4

LMAO!!!!

So I don't know why...

but I just now, randomly said "salt."

HAHAHAHAH!!!

I don't know why!!!!

Woooooh!!

I think it's because I'm tired.

Working my corner all day...;P

Cotillion practice at jeannel's.

I have to choreograph again.

I got like three eight counts done. XP

We'll see how that goes.

Isolations are pretty difficult to choreograph.

I need to finish as soon as possible.

I have a calculus test on Tuesday and I'm so nervous.

I brought my grade up to a C though!!!

But I'm scared that it'll bump down after this test. T_T

We'll see how it goes.

Guess that's all for now.

At Least Everything Is Clean...

So me and my sister got in a fight with my mother.
The feud went on for a good hour.
All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends.
I was already going to clean my room.
Then my mother had to make it such a big deal.
She ended up getting attacked by my sister and me.
Whenever she knows she's wrong, she can't say anything.
She practically threatened to kick me out of the house.
Apparently, I go out with my friends too much.
I don't help around the house (Yes, I do).
I hate being at home.

We told her if she didn't like looking at our room, nobody told her she had to go in there.
She twisted it and said "If you guys don't want me in your life then I'll leave you alone. Done."
WOW. Nobody said that. I don't know what language we were speaking that you can get that message.
She always has to make everything overdramatic.
It's so stupid.
If you're not gonna talk to me. Fine.
But I know that I was being more mature than you and I was right.

You practically chose a clean house over the relationship with your children.

Random? - #3

Today for breakfast I ate a peanut butter sandwich, ramen noodles, and chocolate.

I want some cookies. I shoulda baked some.

I want white chocolate macadamia cookies.

Standing in the sun all day today. Great. T_T

I have to practice for my spoken solo for choir.

Speaking then bursts into song. How fun.

I'm kinda nervous but excited at the same time.

We're gonna be wearing one piece pjs for winter concert. Cute huh...?

I'm so bored. I need to use the bathroom but I want to finish this first.

I have a lot of calculus homework to do.

I hope I did okay on friday's quiz.

I got a B on my last test for calculus!!! Woooop!

I'm proud of myself. I just have to work harder.

Hopefully my grade went up.

I don't think my B went into quarter grades so I probably got a D first quarter.

But hey. It's an AP class. It's supposed to be hard... I think.

I'm thirsty. I don't really want to do anything today.

But I have to. Boo.

I guess that's all. I'm hungry.

I want some bacon. =P

No on Prop 8

I was in Danville today and I got really angry.

There was a bunch of people EVERYWHERE waving signs that said "Yes on Prop 8." Those people are so ignorant. Me and Hamed started shouting out the window while we were passing them. Hamed said, "Suck my left nut!" or something like that and I just booed and said, "No on Prop 8." I don't understand why it matters to people that same sex couples marry each other. It's not like it's hurting them in anyway. Sure, they might have the belief that gay marriage is wrong and maybe it's their religion, but fact is, it's THEIR religion and THEIR beliefs. Two people of the same sex that marry each other is not gonna effect their family so I don't know why they are stressing that matter so much. There are other propositions that matter more than gay marriage, yet those people where stressing Prop 8 the most. I hated seeing those yellow signs everywhere in that area.

Let people live how they want to live. The gay community is doing nothing offensive to the straight community, so why do they hate the gay community so much? If anything, the people of straight community (for example, those people in danville) are the once offending the homosexual community by wanting to rid them of their freedom of happiness. Saying yes on prop 8 is like saying "We're so ignorant and selfish that we're going to ruin the happiness of homosexuals by taking their right to marry away."

I don't want to keep rambling on because it might make me angrier.
I just hope that I don't see those people tomorrow and that Prop 8 doesn't pass.

Random? - #2

I have another Calculus quiz tomorrow.

I'm really nervous.

I have to study, study, study.

I need to learn how to get out of my shell more.

I thought I was already outgoing.

I guess I still get shy sometimes.

I'm watching Nightmare Before Christmas.

This is gonna be a random blog.

I like meeting new people.

I need a date for junior prom at least.

Do you want to be my date?

It could be your birthday present for me.

I would be so happy if I had a date for prom.

Let's make the night memorable. ;)

I Missed Homecoming

Today I was a busy day. (I missed homecoming dance today).

We had SLW family time (rehearsal). That was fun. We learned all the choreography today. It was very tiring. Toward the beginning of the day, people were getting frustrated very easily because we couldn't get a simple formation. I guess we all learned something today. No one's perfect and us returning people have to take it easy on the "freshies" in choir. I mean, that's how I was last year. I had no clue what I was doing a lot of the time. The vibe got better during the end, well, for me personally. I have to admit I was getting irritated because we couldn't get our formation. I guess we all need a little patience. I had fun during the end. The mood lightened and I think people started to feel better. When rehearsal was over, I went to Therese's house.

We had to get ready for our OK!DK performance at Paddy's. We did pretty good, considering we had to dance on grass. We didn't know that would be the case. We were kinda scared at first because we didn't want the grass to mess up our turns or any move that the grass would get in the way. We did pretty alright if I do say so myself. I wonder where our next performance is.

Then I went to Mia's house. Then Keli arrived. I think Mia's Xbox 360 is broke. Wah wah wah. That sucks. We couldn't watch the dvd on there. We tried to fix it but I guess it didn't work. So we ate beefsteak and rice, then later on we ate pizza. I ate a lot for dinner today. Then we were watching Saw IV. Then maybe about 5 minutes into the movie, Kim called. She came over and we all watched it. Keli had to leave maybe 15 minutes before the movie was over because her mother came to pick her up, but that's okay because she's already seen the movie. The movie was really good. I liked it. Jigsaw is a really wise character. The movie was very visual though. Some images were really disturbing. But I liked it overall. Then Kim brought me home. And that is my summary of my very busy Saturday.

Please, Just Stop.

Eff this.
I can't take these lies anymore. I'm so stupid for going back to you. You told me that you wanted to spent time with me. You stressed so much how you would put my happiness before yours. Bull. I'm not happy at all. I'm angry. I'm angry because how could you say that you want to spend time with me and call it a "date" then when you talk about it to other people it's "we just hung out because I needed to make it up to him." If you feel sorry for me because YOU flaked on me, just save it because I don't want to hear your crap anymore. To me, you looked so two faced at the moment because you tell me one thing and others another. I thought you were suppose to be one of my good friends. If that's true, then why are you the one that's causing me all my pain? Why couldn't we just have a normal friendship? Are we not mature enough for that? If you have no interest in me in that way then why do you flirt with me constantly? I hate it because you know that I'm not completely over you. But you play with my emotions like you have the right to. I deserve better than that. When I met you, I thought you were the sweetest thing in the world and I loved how we had so much in common. Now, you're this cocky person that thinks he's changing for the better, but really going the other way, at least in my eyes.

I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm going to talk to you, no matter if you want to talk to me or not. It's not about you. It's about my closure. And hopefully, we can be mature and still be friends after this discussion, but if you can't handle it... our friendships gonna have to end. If you're going to keep leading me on with no intention of liking me back, I can't handle talking to you anymore if all it's going to be is flirting. I guess we'll find out when I talk to you. I am so hurt right now that I lash out at people. I'm not that person. You made me like this and I don't like what I've become. So if it means the end of this friendship then so be it.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Today, I went to the movies.
I don't know it would be called a "date" but it's whatever.

I guess there were some little awkward moments, but we're both the type of people who don't like that and so try to fill it in.
It was a pretty good day.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is a really cute movie. I loved it.

Went to Jollibee before to get some food then Starbucks after to get some strawberry waters.
Yup, we're cheap. =)

I'm still not sure what we are, but I'm sure that we're really really good friends. I'm glad.
I got dropped off then we hugged. It was a really tight and warming hug. It made me feel wanted for once.

The sweetest thing at the end of this "event" or "date," whatever you want to call it.
Hope there's more day's like this to come. =)

Emotions Of A Robot

Today was a bad day.

I wasn't off it today in practice. I was getting irritated.

Maria called me during lunch. I love her to death.

We got the choreography done. It was hot in the theater.

I was looking forward for a specific something to make me feel better after practice.

I got flaked on. But that's okay. I guess the reason was good.

I was still looking forward to it though.

Misunderstandings and questionings. I know what I want. Do you?

I'm still a little confused, but hey, I guess a little mystery is okay.

I'm not in the perky happy mood, but I'm not a total b**** right now.

I guess I'm just blank, showing no emotion.

At the moment, I'm a robot.

Psychology Thinkwrite

I think it's cool how my psychology teacher wants us to find love. X)

I almost cried in psychology yesterday.
The lesson we were learning was about how adolescents need freedom and independence but parents restrict us. One of the points was about physical appearance. He told us to raise our hands if the statement applied to us so I raised my hand when he asked if anyone's parents had a problem with their appearance. My parents don't like the way I look. They think I get made fun of. I really don't. So when it was time to write a thinkwrite about one of the points we talked about, of course I wrote about my parents and how they had a problem with my appearance. The whole class was quiet because we had to write for the rest of the period. So my teacher comes up to me and asks me which one I was writing about. I simply told him that I was writing about my parents' problems with my appearance. My teacher asked me what they had a problem with. I told him that they had a problem with how I dress, how I do my hair, my piercing(s) - I don't know if a gauge is called a piercing- and how they want me to be "normal." He asked me if my parents knew if I was bisexual (I wrote a paper in that class and the topic was "My Ideal Guy/Girl." So I wrote about both X)). I said no they did not know. He asked me if they suspected if I was and I said "maybe." He pointed out how maybe they ARE suspecting and they're finding other things to change about me. I agreed.

The thing that made my heart sink was when he asked "Do you think you can talk to them about yourself?"
My memory took me back to when my mom, while watching the legalizing of gay marriage in SF, clearly said, "Masama yan. Hindi dapat ganyan. (That's bad. It shouldn't be like that)."
That was the point where I knew I could never tell my parents about me.
So when my teacher asked me that, I couldn't speak and shook my head while my eyes locked onto my paper, trying to keep my tears in.
He asked if I talk to friends about it and I nodded a yes, my tears not rolling down, but still present.

Class was about to end and I didn't want to look like I just cried while walking down the hallways, so I tried to hold back the tears and avoid eye contact with people around me who may have heard our conversation. It doesn't matter that they know, it just matters that I almost cried in class. I never would have thought that it would have affected me that much, but I guess it does. Being accepted or not doesn't scare me, but when it comes to my parents, it mattered more that I would have imagined before. I realized that what my parents think about me, does affect me even though I know I won't change for them. I won't change for anyone but myself, but it's hard when the people you love don't accept you for who you are.

I didn't realized how much emotion I had locked inside of me until yesterday in my fourth period psychology class. Although most of the time, I hide them inside, they're still there.

Ouch.

Sadness

Sadness is a bad thing. Sadness can bring tears to someone's face because of pain. People hurt emotionally and sometimes they hurt themselves physically. Maybe they're sad because they get abused. Friends can get hurt by another's sadness as well. Depending on how bad the situation, a friend could feel what the other is feeling directly and make them go into a sad state. Sometimes being sad is contagious. If someone gets a sad vibe, sometimes they feed off of it. Friends could also be hurt by sadness of another because maybe they get pushed away. When a friend is in need and another friend tries to comfort them, a lot of the time, people push they're good friend away, either because they REALLY want to be alone, or they want more attention. Either way, it hurts.

There IS a positive in sadness though. Being sad about something just means that there was something that made you happy before. Sadness doesn't come without happiness. Because you are feeling sad means that before you were sad, you felt happy. Yin and yang. You can't have the moon without the sun, no night without day, no dark without light. For example, how would we ever know what to call day if there was never night? Even though sadness is usually negative, try to be the most positive about it. Chances are, there'll be something that will make you happy soon. (I sound like a fortune cookie. LOL XP).

Random? - #1

Today I had to get out of the shower early because the neighbors were using all the water. Thankfully, I was done washing up. I just like standing there in the hot water. Anyway, the water pressure seriously decreased a lot. I mean, how much water do you need?! I didn't even get to condition my hair. LOL.

Anywho... So for sure I will be able to go to Anaheim this year. I'm just worried about New York next year. I just hope that I can get a job so I can pay for it. I just want it long enough to pay for it. If I get fired, too bad, at least I have the money I need.

It pretty late for me right now. Usually I would be TRYING to go to sleep but my father is fixing clothes and all his clothes are everywhere (I sleep on the couch because I wanna watch TV- I want the TV back in the room). No, it's my little sister's clothes... my mistake. Still, they're on my sleeping space. (IT'S 11:11- just thought I'd mention).

I need a topic to write about. I'll get back here when I think of one. Maybe I'll do it later.

October 7 - My Day

So I'm taking a break from homework, even though I have little to do. I need to study for calculus because I have a quiz on it tomorrow. Then we have a chapter test on Friday. Yay... Fun... I think we're doing limits. I think it's easier than chapter one though. At least I'm keeping up more than I am with the last chapter. I don't totally get it all but I know SOME of it. That should count for something.

I'm breaking out. I guess school is stressing me. I need to find a way to relieve my stress. I try just breathing but to me, it's temporary. That one time Dani May gave me a massage, I had a lot of knots in my back. I didn't even know they were there. It kinda hurt when she was doing it but it felt good... HAHA. I wonder if she got all of them out. I should try meditating or something. XP.

Today in psychology, we talked about romantic love and how it has three stages. Stage One: Infatuation, Stage Two: Conflicts (or something), Stage Three: Acceptance (I think). It was pretty interesting because as the teacher was going over what was involved in each stage, I was thinking about... stuff. Ahah. I found out that I got to at least, stage two. It was pretty crazy. I didn't think that I would have gone that far, but turns out I did. Interesting.

After school, I had to walk ALL THE WAY to Mia's car because she had choir practice and she's too lazy to walk to her car after practice. T_T. Just kidding, she's cool XP. So then I had to walk to her car and bring it to the back of the school so it's closer when she done with practice. Then after her practice, we went to Starbucks, I got a javachip, they got strawberry waters, then we went to drop off a friend. We went to Mia's house and recorded stuff that we're gonna put on youtube. We were just bored so we acted stupid in the video. But now I'm home and my computer is not cooperating with my camera so I guess those videos have to wait.

And now I'm here and that was my day. =)

Give Me Proof.

My friends are some of the most important people in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. Yes, I have made bad decisions as to who I befriend. I've made those mistakes that I feel stupid for making after I'm proving wrong. For example, one of my real good friends warned me about befriending someone else and telling this person my secrets. I didn't listen to him and, instead, defending the person, giving this person the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong and everything backfired and I felt so blind that I did not see what my real friend was trying to tell me. It sucks to know that there's people out there who can gain your trust and then screw you over that quickly. Now, it is harder for me to trust people fast because I don't know who they truly are yet. There are exceptions to a lot of my real good friends that I still have today. A lot of them, I trusted very quickly because I knew we would hit it off right away. I guess that's what made me so trusting. Yeah it sucks that people tell other people's secrets. But it feels good to know that a lot of your friends would never do that to you. For me, it gives me the security that I need. Friends come and go, family will never let you down. I can honestly say that many of my good friends are like family to me. And no matter how far apart we are from each other, we can maintain that strong bond that we have with each other. I can tell them anything and I know that they won't judge because they know that if they told me something about their life, I wouldn't judge them either. The world is full of judgment. I'm glad that my group of friends are one of the few who don't put people down because they're different. Let's face it, different is the new normal these days. Normal doesn't even exist anymore. I love my friends and I would never want any of them to drift away from me. Hopefully there are more people out there just like them, I would like to meet some. I need proof that not everyone judges. =)

Truths Overlooked.

I hate how a lot of the rich white people (no offense but let's be real and say that most of the people who are rich are white) think that they're better than everyone else just because they have money. White Supremacy. I learned that in FHS. I hate how the side of the elderly is automatically believed over the side of the teenagers. Sure, elderly people have been on this earth longer and might have more knowledge, but that doesn't mean that they don't lie or assume. The truth of a teenager is overlooked over the lies of an 80 year old white woman. We could take this to court because we personally know the truth, but I guess we'll decide to let it go because it's not the end of the world. Life isn't fair, but who makes it unfair? The people with power who think they can do whatever they want without a consequence because they have that power.

I think it's a big personal issue for my own conscience. I hate to let something so unfair go.
But I hope karma bites her in the butt. She deserves it.

What Is The Meaning Of Life?

I think the meaning of life is what an individual person wants it to mean. People have their own definition of the meaning of life because different people have different goals and dreams that they want to pursue.

Some people know what they want to do for the rest of their life. Some people just want to have a family and work to support them. They want to live their life free of any big stress and just live their life. They want to spend time with family and just have the simple life that many don't have, but strive to have.

Some people have really big dreams. Maybe they want to be a famous artist, a famous journalist, a famous photographer, and so on. They want their name to be known. No one has the right to tell them that they can't do it. Anyone can do anything as long as they work to try to pursue it. Me, for example, I want to get into the music industry. Yes, it's a pretty big dream, well for me anyway. And yes, people have told me that it's a one in a million chance. That's probably true. Yes, I will have a back up plan in case it doesn't happen. But I don't think that anyone has the right to tell me that I can't do what I want to do because people should make their own life. If a person is really passionate about achieving their dream, they would not let rejection get in the way. There will always be rejection, but people have to get back on their feet to get where they want to get.

So I believe that people have their own definition of the meaning of life. Some might just say that it's living your life to the fullest and dying happy. Some might say that there's not real meaning, it's an experience and a privilege that we all have.

Don't take life for granted because we only live once. Don't let teachers tell you how to be successful because, depending on a person, success can mean a million different things. Don't let the negativity get in the way of creating your own path to success.

September 24 - My Day

I forgot my calculus book in my locker again. Whenever I bring it to school, I always forget to pick it up after classes are over. I guess it's because there's a bit of a routine and going to my locker isn't part of that. I did most of the homework yesterday, but I was hoping to finish it at Mia's house today. That's kinda why I brought it to school. But I ended up forgetting it and now I have to wait until tomorrow to do my homework. I'll probably have a new assignment then so I'm going to be behind again. Great. And I got a D- on my last test. But that's okay. I'll try to do better as the year goes by.

Then after school, I needed to get stamps to send a card, but I ended up getting the wrong ones. It was pretty funny. And we forgot that we could have gotten them at Safeway. So we just went back to Mia's house.

We played with Bean for a while then we baked a cake. I want some yellow cake right now. I think I'm going to buy some tomorrow. Maybe. Anyway, the cake came out pretty good. Then I went online at Mia's house to look for clothes. I found some things. Mia's computer is crap though(sorry Mia but you know it's true. haha). It would always freeze up so I just gave up and started looking for more clothes when I got home.

School tomorrow. I don't think I have homework so I should be fine. Let's hope for a good day.
I want waffles. X)

My Self Talk

"Mix, just be content. You don't need anyone but yourself."

(I'm training myself to be happy with what I have in my life. Sometimes it's hard but hopefully I'll be able to be independent enough. Although I hate losing friends, sometimes it happens so best be prepared.)

Changes In Time

So I remember talking to you last weekend on the phone. It was a pretty interesting conversation. I finally brought up the topic of our history. I know that every time we talk on the phone, we are both thinking about what happened with us in the past. And last weekend, I finally said something. The topic was being avoided too often. So then the conversation took a turn in that direction and out came the honesty.
You did hurt me a lot. I spent a whole year in hell, tortured by my own feelings and failures. I was tortured by the feeling of failure and the failure of my feelings. My grades were so bad because I was distracted by phone calls. I was distracted by the phone calls that should not have occurred because I knew that what I was doing was wrong. But I did it anyway. I know that I shouldn't say that my "feelings were wrong." but they just seemed wrong. Even though I could not help the way I felt, it still felt like I was doing something that I shouldn't have been doing.
You told me that last year "wasn't fake, it was real." How do I know that? I'm sorry to say, but much of the things you promise me are almost never followed through. Sometimes I think that it's all talk. And I always go by the saying of "actions speak louder than words." I think that talk is all you have. Well, that's all I've gotten from you anyway. Whenever you promised me something, you raised my hopes higher and higher just so I could fall that much more when you go back on your word the next day.
Now, I guess I'm okay. I guess it still gets to me how you talk about "hitting it and quitting it." That's not the person I knew a year ago. I got to know a sweet, loving person, who now turned into a flirtatious, depressed individual. You turning just like into the jerks and the whores that I dislike. And to be honest with myself, there's still a small part of me that cares a lot. You're still one of my very good friends, even though we have been drifting apart lately. I just want my old friend back, the one I met and fell for because of the good qualities I saw. Just bring that person back.

OK!DK @ Senior Center

I just got home from OK!DK dinner. We had a performance today at the senior center to help them fund raise. We did pretty well considering that we had only made the music two days before the actual performance. Also, not everyone made it to the one rehearsal we had with the music, so I'm proud to say that we did a good job tonight. There were a lot of technical difficulties so we didn't perform on the scheduled time. But that's not a big deal at all. I'm glad that the members who performed this time were committed to the crew because we got a chance to clean up the dance. Hopefully the other members could commit enough so they can learn the choreography with everyone else next time. We also have a performance at Paddy's Cafe, I think. That will be on October 17th I believe, which is the homecoming game, but I'm okay with it as long as it is not on homecoming dance. I have to go to the dance. Well, after the performance, we went to Chevy's to eat. It was a good bonding experience so that everyone in the group can get comfortable with each other. I think everyone had fun. I did anyway. Well that brings me to now. I'm really tired. But I don't really want to go to sleep yet.

Just An Update.

School is pretty overwhelming. It sucks not really having much of a social life anymore. But hey, I do what I gotta do to get through junior year. Calculus is killing me. I'm hanging in there, but by a thin thread. Hopefully it gets easier after all the review stuff. I'm really tired and I should probably be sleeping, but I'm up because I was doing calculus homework all day. I have a project due on Friday for US history and I haven't started on it. My printer is broken so I have no idea how I'm suppose to get all the printed information I'm suppose to get. I'm really stressed, but I'm trying to stay calm. I guess I just needed to blog something just to get SOME stress out of my system. I got a lot planned. But overall, I guess I'm pretty excited for this year. I'm trying to change by work ethic because last year, I didn't really have one. And if i did, it was a bad work ethic. Well I did my psychology homework, but I guess what I'm really worried about is my US history homework. But I know I'll get that done. Well I guess that's all. I just needed to get some stuff out because I don't want to blow up anytime soon. More to tell though. But next time.

SLW!!!

So I had workshop for show choir today! Workshop is where we, members, get to bond and get to know each other. It's a chance for all of us to get comfortable with everyone's openness. Even though some people are much more "open" than others, we learn to live with it and make the best of it. It was so much fun. The vibe the whole time was so energetic that I have nothing negative to say, except we all need to work on confidence, but hey, it's only the beginning of the year. A lot of people that I thought were really shy, we really very outgoing and fun to be around. And I actually saw people smile that I've never seen smile in class. It's an extremely fun atmosphere to be in and I would shoot anyone who said it wasn't fun. All the things we did today at workshop and all the crazyness that happened would make the most serious, most emo, most pessimistic person smile. Last year was really fun, but this year was... more than that that I have no words to describe it. Maybe because last year, there was only 21 of us and now there's around 30. The more the merrier right? The teachers we excellent and taught is a lot, and personally, I learned much, not just about music, but the people around me. Some people who were stuck in their shells came out. Even though, some might still be scared to completely come out, they will in time. That's what happened to me last year. I was really shy and I didn't know many people in show choir when I joined. However, now, a lot of my very good friends are in there with me and I've gotten close to many of them. I am more outgoing than I would have ever thought possible and sometimes... I'll admit that, now, I'm not afraid to be jokingly open...(sexual in a joking way). BUT I'M STILL CLEAN! Just because I'm clean, I'm not going to let that stop me from having the fun that I want to have. Oh! And one of the new members of show choir, her name is Mary-Kate, commented in front of everyone that "Mix is a really good dancer". I was so flattered that someone actually recognized me. I thank her so much because she doesn't know how much it means for me to get a compliment. Sometimes there a lot of negativity in my life that even the littlest positive thing is a big deal for me. So I thank her and hope her the best in show choir. Overall, I really love show choir. The class and the people. I would never want to leave, but unfortunately, one day, I will have to. I just hope that we do really well this year in competition. No, I know we will. As long as we know we gave it our best, rank doesn't matter (although it does help). Well I don't want to make this too long, so I guess I'll stop.

SLW!!!! = Show Like Whoa!!!

Acceptance

I was bored in calculus so I wrote (maybe I should have been paying attention).
This one's called Acceptance.

Acceptance
Accept me for what I am,
Who I am and what I do
Cause I accept and don't judge you.

Get to know me from the inside before you make decisions about my character.
Don't put me down because you're confused and unsure...
Of what and who you are to this world...
Because truth is, most of us are.

You and me, we have our differences and similarities.
We may not come from the same place, but we both have feelings and families.

Don't judge me when you see me walking down the street
In clothes that you don't necessarily call "neat"
Cause you don't know what I've been through and why I wear what I wear.
So just because I'm different, doesn't give you the right to stare,
Stare at me like I'm inferior because of my appar...
All the physical matters shouldn't matter, so don't chit chatter
About the way I look because I don't meet your standards.

People are who they are, standards should disappear.
Don't know what else to say, I've made it crystal clear.
Don't judge a book by it's cover, they could be a potential lover.
Outside as dark as night, but inside as bright as the sun.
So if you keep staring and talking and laughing and judging...
Tell me when you're done.

Accept me for what I am,
Who I am and what I do
Cause I accept and don't judge you.
Acceptance.

My Day

Let me tell you about my day today.

I went to school. It was a pretty good day.
In 0 period, we talked about TIES. I'm kinda scared of that assignment. I have to read a lot this month. I'm going to be positive and do my best on it. I have an essay do. I just finished it, but I still have to send it to Mia so she could print it for me. My stupid computer is just stupid.
In first period, we did geography again, just like what we've been doing. I finished my map, sorta. We have a test on it next week so I have to study my butt off. The teacher has really bad BO. I'm so glad that Anna is in my class. Class would suck without her.
In second period, we went over the homework, we took notes. We have a test on Friday. I like how the teacher doesn't collect the homework right away so that's good. But I'm really struggling on Calculus already. I need a lot of help. I hope I can pass this class. And I left my Calculus book in my locker so I can't even attempt to do my homework. Dang. Hopefully he doesn't collect it tomorrow.
In third period, we started singing our spring set, the ones we sing for competition. We sang "Awesome Eighties." Eighties is our theme this year. It was pretty fun. This year's class is much bigger than last year. Last year only 21 of us performed, this year, I think there is about 32 of us. I wonder if it's going to be different this year. But I'm excited.
In fourth period, we talked about the many types of reasons that psychologist have for a certain behavior. Nothing too interesting. I was eating Fritos in that class.
At lunch, I spent the whole time teaching a member of my dance crew the routine I choreographed because she missed the rehearsal when I taught it. She's very committed. Even though I didn't get to eat, it was okay.
In sixth period, we heard a spoken word. It was about the struggle of the Filipinos and how hard they work just to make a living for themselves and their families. I enjoy that class. And Mia transfered in today so that was good.
In seventh, we had to translate a Shakira song. She sings good. The message of the song was pretty good when we translated it. That class isn't that interesting either.

Then after school, I had OK!DK (Organized Kaos! Dance Krew) practice. I got home past seven I think. I'm really tired, but I have to do my work.

Well I guess that's all for now.

Child In An 18 Year Old's Body

I was talking to a friend on AIM today. She told me that she and her boyfriend broke up today. Of course, I asked her why. Her answer was that they both couldn't take the fights anymore. But I have to say that the fight was a pretty reasonable fight. Not like those stupid fights couples get into then don't know why they fought by the end of the argument. I wouldn't say that the reason was "cheating," but I guess there were suspicions of cheating in the near future. I asked her, "Are the fights more important than the love?" She clearly said no. I thought that would have been the end of it and that she would have tried to get him back. But it wasn't. She told me that she did try to contact him. But he deleted her from myspace, changed his number, and broke off any communication to her. Sounds immature to me. I guess the reason for doing this was to "help her let go." Sure, hurting her will help her let go, but it there are other ways than to hurt, especially to do this to her. It makes me angry that he's 18 and he does this like he's still a child. I personally think that he should control his temptations because if he claims he's happy with her, then why would you need anyone else? She still loves him, and apparently, he still loves her. If that's true, why would you hurt yourself and the one that you love so you can both let go. What is there to let go? Fights are normal and when couples get through them, it shows a strength in the relationship. Giving up a relationship for a fight, to me, wasn't a worthwhile relationship to begin with.

First Day Of School

Today was a pretty okay day. Nothing special, but nothing TOTALLY bad. In the morning, they didn't have my schedule in the class I was told to pick it up in, so I was sent to the old gym because, I guess, a lot of people didn't have their schedules. James Logan is so unorganized. There was too much hassle dealing with schedules today and the hassle will probably continue for weeks to come. So after I went to the old gym, they told me to go to the counseling center. That makes sense. I waited more than half of first period waiting to be called to get my schedule. When I finally get into the room, my schedule was in the computer system, yet I didn't get a printed one. So I got my schedule and went to my first period class like it told me. I walked passed the door to go up the ramp but as I looked inside I see Annalisa! I go back to the door to see her and I wave. I was excited cause we had a class together! But we don't have lunch like last year. That sucked. So I go inside and the place was full. I had nowhere to sit. So I sat next to Anna on the floor. I have no shame in sitting on the floor. Then one of the students in the class comes to me and asks me what my name is. I told him. Then he handed me this paper... and it was my schedule. I now had two of the same schedules. So I wasted my time in the office because some other kid had my schedule the whole time. What the hell...? Oh! And they put me in AP CALCULUS!! I got a D in Precal last year and they put me in an advanced placement calculus class? Woah. But it's okay. I'm gonna try to get through the year. I'll just take it as a challenge. Hopefully I can take it.

So overall my day was pretty good. No problems after that. Except it was burning hot all day. The freshmen are so small! I thought it was funny. They get smaller every year! I finally feel taller than people. Haha! So I guess it was a pretty okay first day of school. Yay. 10 more months.

Schedule:
Period 0: American Literature with Campbell
Period 1: US History with Dolgin
Period 2: AP Calculus with Prucha
Period 3: Show Choir with McShane
Period 4: Psychology 1 with Mccullough
Period 5: Lunch
Period 6: Filipino Heritage with Santos
Period 7: Honors Spanish 3 with Kinkella

I guess I'm pretty content with my schedule. Let's hope I make it through junior year.

School Starts Tomorrow!

School starts tomorrow!! How exciting! I'm a bit scared at the same time. I hope they let me switch my math class. I don't really want to take calculus this year. I don't think I'm ready. I got a D on in Precal last year and I don't want to move on if I don't really understand the material. I want good grades and a better GPA. I had the worst GPA I have ever gotten sophomore year. I don't want that to happen again. My grades were too low, even for my standards. I regret slacking off sophomore year, but thank goodness I passed all my classes to I'm am not really behind in any classes. Even though I want to repeat Precal, I still don't feel like I'll be behind. This year I have to make a personal goal of staying on top of my work. No slacking off. I want to be able to say that junior year was no problem for me. I want to be able to go to a good college and know that I worked hard to get there.

So hopefully, this year would be a better year than sophomore year.
We'll see.

Oh Darn

Aw. I was gonna get my tongue pierced today but they said I needed a parent or guardian. X(.

I hope we can find a place that let's 18 year olds sign for you. I'm scared to get one... but I want one really bad. Hehe.

But if that doesn't happen... I guess I'm gonna have to wait until I'm 18. Boo. =P

I Will Always Love You. Please Don't Forget It.

So I read a friends blog today that made me think about you. I don't quite know how to start this but I guess I'll just start.

Sophomore year was not the best year for me. Many people know that. And you should too, but I don't know if you do. That's the problem. We've drifted so much sophomore year that I don't know how long it's gonna take to completely catch up with you. I hope you would want to catch up with me too. Well if we do end up catching up, at least we'll have something to talk about every time we talk to each other. And that's one of the things I love the most about our friendship. We can be so open and so random that we will never run out of things to say to each other or just to talk about in general.

I guess what was done sophomore year hurt me so much that I lost trust in you. I felt so betrayed. You were my best friend, and hopefully still are. But I trusted you with my deepest secret and you let me down. I thought I stressed enough how much I wanted it to be a secret but I guess it wasn't enough. And you told my secret to the last person I would want to know. You told her and lied to me about it afterwards. I was hoping that maybe there was a chance that she would regret her decision, but now she probably knows that she made the right choice. And no I'm not blaming you. I just want you to know how I felt when all of this happened. And how you lied time after time when I would ask you if you did what I thought you did. That made everything so much worse because you got caught up in a web of lies that kept growing and growing.

I don't even remember how we stopped communicating with each other. I know I seemed happy on the outside during the time, but truth is, I was so depressed. There were so many problems I was facing and I didn't know how to deal with them all at once. It made me regret a lot of my choices. It made me regret telling you, it made me regret trying out for choir, it made me regret a whole portion of my freshman year in high school. Thankfully, I sooner learned to stop regretting because the past is in the past. And I write this not to make you feel bad, but to let you know how hurt I was. I'll admit that I was so bitter that I started to talk badly behind your back. And I regret doing that as well because I became what I hated, a bad friend.

There was a day that you didn't know about where I stayed after school to go to a friend's birthday party. I was talking about you to my other friend while walking in the hallway. I broke down. As I sat down on the carpeted hallway against the lockers, my tears poured out and wouldn't stop. Later that day, someone asked my why I looked like I just cried. I answered with "There's too much wind and it's irritating my eyes." I didn't know what else to say. I guess I just wasn't ready to forgive you.

This summer I talked to you maybe twice. I hung out with you once. I'm glad we're talking again, but I feel like it's my fault that we drifted this far apart. I should have made more of an effort. I'm so sorry for talking behind your back. I'm sorry for not always being there. I'm sorry for missing your sweet sixteen. I hope you can forgive me.

I still consider you as my best friend. And right now, I'm listening to our old recordings of us singing together. Remember the song we wrote and the covers we did? I'm trying to hold back my tears right now, but I miss it so much. (Woops there goes a tear). I miss you.

"I wish our love stayed the same." - Fool. (Remember when we wrote it? It took us forever.)

Est. February 10, 2006. I love you and I always will.

Definition of Fairy Tale VS. Reality

Let's start with reality.
Reality. There are no happy endings. Life doesn't stop when you've reached contentment or satisfaction, not like the fairy tales. The fairy tales with its unrealistic characters and impossible plots, impossible in the real world anyway. Fairy tales that start with hardship but gets better as the story goes on. Songs are sang in the middle of a sentence and end followed by a continuation of the same sentence.

Fairy Tale. Villains, witches, monsters, talking animals, magical powers, fairygod mothers, fairies, dragons, munchkins, and flying monkies. Fairy tale.
Reality. Personal, political, social, financial and economical problems. Conflict, fights, violence, war, poverty. Stupidness, muteness, deafness and blindness. Blindness of the real world to the problems it faces from day to day. The lack of acknowledgment the world around them goes through. Is it blindness or unwillingness? Reality.

Fairy tale. Heroes. Heroes that are powerful enough to save the world by themselves. Heroes who are able to change the world without the assistance of another. Fairy tale, reality.
Reality. One person cannot change the world by themselves. The most a person can do is voice out to everyone else, voice out to anyone and everyone who is wiling to listen. And those willing to listen, to spread the new heard perspective. Reality.

Fairy tale. A prince fights for his damsel in distress. Fairy tale.
Reality. Innocent people murdered by others, whose lives have very little difference and NO difference in value, by putting families in distress. Reality.

People need to realize that real life is covered by real lies. Lies that leave us blind to find the truth behind more and more lies.

Fairy tale. Songs sang out of the blue, ending in a happily ever after. Fairy tale.
Reality. The DREAM of songs out of the blue and happily ever afters. Reality.

Who says that things in a fairy tale can't happen in reality?
With a world like this, everybody.

One day, maybe anything can happen. We all can't live in the fairy tale world.
So let's end with Reality.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Why do people think that "nice guys finish last"? Some guys are so convinced that they have nobody because they're "nice guys." There are plenty of guys who have somebody. And I'm pretty sure a majority of them are nice. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe the reason that a "nice guy" doesn't have a partner is because they are too caught up in believing that no one wants them. I'm sure it's not very attractive if you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself. I'm pretty sure that people don't label a specific person as a nice guy. I think they label themselves that because they are convinced that that's what they are.

To a "nice guy": Most likely, you think you "finish last" because the person that you like, or the people you've liked in the past, didn't like you back. But that doesn't mean that someone else doesn't like you. You're probably sad because you only want the one you can't have, while there's plenty to choose from.

So I think that the phrase "nice guys always finish last" is totally false. Boys/Girls, take a look at your girlfriend/boyfriend. Are they not nice? "Nice guys" don't always finish last. It's the guys who have no self confidence and are too blind to see that he is a great person with a great personality.

So again to the guys who think they are "nice guys": First of all, cheer up a bit because I'm sure there is someone who has noticed you and has taken to your liking. Second, just try to have a little more self confidence in yourself. I'm sure if you're nice, it's not going to turn off people. It will make them happy and make them appreciate you. Be yourself and it will pay off.

Nice guys don't always finish last.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I don't like how a lot of students my age think they know what love is. One second they're "in love" with someone and the next second, they're bitter about the breakup and start talking smack about the person they claim they once "loved." I'm not saying that nobody knows what love is because, truth is, a lot of teens do fall in love and it turns out to be true. I also get a bit annoyed by the people who use the term "I love you" way too early. Personally, I can't do that. I don't like how people throw that phrase around when they don't really feel that way. Wouldn't it suck if someone said that to you, made you believe it, when really they don't feel that way? Isn't it a form of lying? I guess I just want the people of my generation to be true to themselves and everyone else around them. To me, actions speak louder than words. So if you really do love someone... don't tell them... show them, and prove it.

It's In The Past.

I'm sorry that you only feel it now. But it's not my fault. I wasn't trying to ruin your life or any of your relationships. I was just being me. Maybe I did get a little carried away, but that was just me getting caught up in everything that was happening. I'm really not that kind of person. You had your chance. I gave you open opportunities for ten months but you decided not to take them. And that's okay with me. But you can't come crawling back a year later telling me that you made a mistake because I gave you too many chances than what you deserved. I'm not saying you're a bad person, I'm just saying that it's not fair that I had to suffer over your actions for nothing. I suffered a whole school year, and now that I finally got over it, it isn't acceptable for you to keep trying to get me back on the leash you had me on. And I know you're still trying to catch me. Yes, I'm a dog on the loose without a leash. I'm a stray.

Let's just get through high school without anymore problems, unlike sophomore year.

You're one of my good friends and I love you. But not the way you think I do.

Short Burst

NM isn't closing!!!!!! woooooooh!!! I'm happy. teeheehee.

Oranges!!

I like oranges. They are so good. And they're healthy too. Yup. That sweet tasty and sometimes sour flavor. Mmmm. Yummy in my tummy. I like the color of an orange too... it's orange. When I eat it, it makes me want more. It's like a drug. People should stop doing drugs and make oranges their vice. Just like in Juno where Bleeker has a vice for orange tictacs. See.... Orange. Yeah to all you druggies out there... switch vices. Just eat a bunch of oranges until you feel high or something. Stop killing yourself... and the earth. That's what I like about oranges.

What I DON'T like about oranges is having to peel them. I also don't like the seeds because it gets in the way of the orangy goodness. And that it can get messy. I don't like getting sticky... but I'll get sticky for an orange!! =P


*Topic picked by MamaMia.

NM

I really don't like how NM is going to shut down in a month. It's not fair. That was the place where I could publicly put my thoughts (instead of here of course). But still, it was a place that not many people knew about and that's what I liked about it. My friends who use NM don't like it either. I guess I'm going to be here more often since this is maybe one of the only place I feel comfortable talking about whatever I want to talk about. Well, I have dance practice in a little bit. I should be getting ready. That's it for now.

Motivation

I'm a little scared of going back to school. Because I know that I would try to accomplish my goals, but I'm unsure of what my motivation is... or if I have anything to keep me motivated at all. I want to say that I don't need anybody else to keep me motivated but the truth is, I'm not sure. Two more years then it's off to the real world. I wonder what that's going to be like. Yes, freedom, but at the same time, responsibility. Maybe I just need to realize that I don't have to go looking around for someone to call my own because it's in God's hands. I guess I just like the feeling of having someone because, unlike others who feel insecure with their partner, I can throw away the insecurities about myself that tell me that I'm not good enough. If you know me, then I probably wouldn't come off as an insecure person, but deep down, I do have my insecurities.

So should my insecurities get in the way of finding motivation?

My friends DO keep me motivated but I should motivate myself more than they motivate me. I mean, THEY believe in me, so I have no excuse not to believe in myself.

*"Don't listen to what some stupid stranger says. You're perfect." This was said by one of my closest friends and it made me burst into tears. It made me realize that, not only did I make the right decision in befriending her and letting her into my life, she has faith in me so I should have faith in myself.

Do I even need to find motivation or should I just be motivated by the feeling of accomplishment?

That last one sounds good to me.


*Patnah Maria. I love her to death. You're my inspiration. Thank you.

Cranky

I really don't know why but I need to go blow off some steam. I need a vice that's legal and won't hurt me in any way. Things are just ticking me off and I have to stop. I need to take a breather before I explode. I think I'll just go to sleep. I might just be cranky. Goodnight world.

Goals

I've realized that I slack off a lot, especially in school because I don't have enough goals. And I'm always stressed because I HAVE NO goals, which means I seldom get the feeling of relief of achieving something. Maybe I'll be less stressed if I work more to pursue what I want to pursue. So maybe I should make some goals... Maybe just some short term ones for now. =)

-Get a least a B- in all classes every quarter.
-Don't get distracted by unnecessary matters.
-Homework : First thing when coming home from school.
-Study for tests/quizzes.
-Learn how to prioritize the right way.
-Write at least 3 songs.
-Stay strong.

Maybe I'll add more later. =)

Haiku : Reminiscent

As I look around,

I can see what could have been,

But now it's too late.

Almost There

Thank gosh Sophmore year is over. That gets me that much closer to graduating High School and achieving my dream. Although sophmore year wasn't the best, I have no regrets because the events that happened during that time (good or bad) made me who I am today. I can't spend the majority of my time feeling sorry for myself because that's not going to get me anywhere. I'd rather think about achieving what I want in my life rather then doing nothing. My life is complicated. But I just want a mostly simple life with a side of complication. =)